Inter-personal skills and coaching

Although “inter-personal skills” under-pin and overlap with “coaching skills”, and are distinct from each other, they need to work in harmony. Inter-personal skills is a reference to the components of quality communication between human beings and, together with the ongoing process of self-awareness (the ability to self observe and to understand personal, subjective experience, reaction and motivation) is also referred to as “personal development.”

“Coaching skills” refers to interactions specific to coaching, such as giving feedback, goal setting and motivation, and readers will be on a coaching skills learning curve as part of their on-going coach education. In Chapter 3, (Psychological Perspectives) inter-personal skills were identified which, although of significance to coaching all athletes, are argued to be particularly relevant to the coaching of women and girls, and this chapter identifies and discusses those skills. But, since this is also a response to psychological perspectives, it is also important to differentiate between personal development and the input of the sport psychologist. Sport psychology is “the scientific study of people and their behaviour in sport and exercise contexts.” (Weiburg and Gould). Inter-personal skills, which, together with self awareness, are the building blocks of effective life and relationship management, provide a fertile context for and dovetailing with, coaching skills and the mental preparation skills (goal setting and motivation; imagery, pre, during and post performance routines, concentration, cognitive reconstruction, etc) relating to sport psychology. But they also could be seen as the “missing link” as far as attention to gender issues in sport is concerned. To date, much equity work in sport (not athletics) has reflected the equal opportunities model that has been developed in the work place. Inequality of access to participation and advancement is assumed to be the biggest problem. This is highly relevant to sports such as golf, soccer, rugby, cricket, boxing, etc, but has clearly not been the major issue in athletics for some decades. Yet for women we still have concerns in terms of sustained participation, in performance, public profile and economics, and in coaching, decision making and leadership.

Most sport psychology has traditionally tended to leave personal development to the social psychologists and the coach. Indeed, the introduction of personal development via the programme initiated by the Women’s Advisory Group in 1992 (Named “Mental Preparation Foundation Course” so that potential participants could instantly see the relevance) was not taken seriously by key decision makers in BAF at the time, or by UK A since. It is assumed that developing sport psychology as a support service would cover the needs of all athletes. There seems to be a tendency to see personal development as unscientific and “fluffy” in the context of performance. Yet it is exactly these intangibles of inter-personal power relationships which are under scrutiny for their effects on female self-determination and which cannot fall into the domain of hard science.

So, in terms of the personal development of female athletes (and the needs of males having similar needs) the coach has a crucial role to play. Having recognised the importance of the coach’s own needs and motivation, (self awareness) the next step is to consider the inter-personal skills via which s/he conducts her/his relationship and bases her/his developing coaching skills. The following skills were identified, in addition to the sport/coaching specific skills which include the provision of objective and informative feedback and goal setting, both of which are covered in some detail in the core coaching manuals:-

INTER-PERSONAL SKILLS - Working with Women and Girls.

1. BASIC INTER-PERSONAL COMMUNICATION – Assertive and responsive interpersonal styles, empathy, questioning, win/win.

2. DEALING WITH EMOTION – Self-awareness and self-management skills, active listening and empathy, stress awareness, support structures (self and athlete), transition theory.

3. FACILITATING POSITIVE THINKING – Understand the characteristics of inner dialogue, objective evaluation, negative to positive statements, modelling positive thinking, dealing with role conflict, plus 1 and 2.

4. FACILITATING GROUP COHESION – Group forming, support systems.

Basic Interpersonal Communication

It is particularly important to model assertive and responsive inter-personal behaviour when working with women and girls. Such behaviour by the coach will both allow and encourage the athletes to behave similarly, which will later facilitate development of the essential mental skill of being in control of performance. This is a crucial part of their personal development. Individuals who are unaware or unused to getting their own requirements met cannot adequately utilize mental preparation techniques. Habitually submissive individuals (those who consistently defer to the needs and wishes of others, or who manipulate others in order to get their needs or desires met indirectly) simply do not develop the required thinking necessary for being in control. This is a serious handicap which females are particularly (but certainly not exclusively) prone to, as has been discussed in Chapter 1 (Fig…. Steps to Success) and in Chapter 3.

It has also been suggested that, in our society, assertive behaviour is less acceptable and more likely to be judged negatively in females than in males. The extent to which this is still true in society as a whole, or in certain sections of it, is open to debate. However, it is essential that the coaches of female athletes examine their personal attitudes and expectations with regard to female behaviour.

Male coaches have observed that females are easier to coach than males because, “they are more likely to do what they are told” without question. We can see that this kind of behaviour fits exactly into the profile that has been described in this resource, ie., the female allows other people to control her behaviour . If the coach rewards this by being comfortable with her general submissiveness and employing a generally authoritarian coaching style, s/he is completing the pattern outlined in the case study in Chapter 1. The female athlete allows herself to locked into behaviour and, therefore, thinking, (“He knows what’s best for me; I can’t risk making my own decisions”.) which is detrimental to performance.

At this point, clear and accessible definitions of assertive, responsive, aggressive and submissive behaviour are vital.

Assertive and Responsive Behaviour – Definition.

Assertiveness = working from one’s own agenda whilst maintaining respect for the needs of others.
Aggressiveness = working from one’s own agenda without respecting the needs of others.

Productive styles of behaviour are those which acknowledge and build on our personal resources and those with whom we interact. That requires a mixture and assertive and responsive styles of behaviour.

Responsiveness = reacting to the needs of others whilst maintaining respect for self.
Passive or Submissive Behaviour = responding to the needs of others without maintaining respect for self.

These divisions can be broken down into recognisable behaviour by use of the Framework for Influencing Model (© Sheppard Moscow, management consultants). Figure 19, Ways of Behaving.

Figure 20, "How I Act With Others", names the behaviours which belong in each sector.

As an aid to self-awareness, coaches can ask themselves which of the “above the line” behaviours on the top half of the diagram they tend to use most. It would be informative to put the assertive styles (expressing views and opinions; expressing feelings; stating what I want; using incentives and pressures) and responsive styles (active listening; exploring; focusing and building on common ground; openness) into order, starting with the most used. It might also be a worthwhile exercise to ask the athlete (or a work colleague) if they agree. Athletes could be asked to put preferred coaching styles in order and which personal styles they (or she) think they use most in the coaching relationship. Such enquiries can underline any adjustments to your personal style that might be appropriate. If coaches over use “stating what I want” and “using incentives and pressures” and under use “active listening”, “exploring”, “building on common ground” and “openness” (to the views and opinions of the athlete) they are likely to be inhibiting their assertive, decisive behaviour. If the athlete speaks up, does the coach consider what she says to be of little relevance to the planned session (I ignore your needs/opinions/views). The coach, after all, is the one with the knowledge. If she questions or makes statements that challenge plans, does the coach brush them aside (I put you down lightly) or listen carefully and discuss what she has said? Straying over into the aggressive domains (put downs, failure to ascertain, listen to or acknowledge the athletes views and opinions, ignoring the athlete or verbally attacking the athlete) can be destructive to the athlete’s self-esteem and is likely to either “hook” a passive or aggressive response – both of which are destructive to the relationship. It is crucial for coaches to assess whether or not the balance of their habitual styles needs some adjustment in order to allow the athlete to develop her ability to be in control. Athlete centred coaching requires coaches that are expert at the responsive styles of communication.

The key to balancing out predominantly assertive/aggressive behaviour, is to practice the skills of active listening. This means employing the kind of listening that lets the speaker know that she is heard, understood and respected. Fig……. gives a detailed description of the skills involved and can be further enhanced by the use of open questions – questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Questioning (provided it is not leading) is also an invaluable learning aid and coaching skill. It can enhance the athlete’s self understanding by gently pressing them to focus on parts of their experience (or technique) that they have previously glossed over. (David Hemery’s advanced coaching workshop for the SportsCoach UK, previously NCF, “A Question of Style” goes into the use of questioning in detail.)

Coaches should not underestimate the amount of practice required to become a really good listener. Advanced active listening, which employs all the listed skills, including questioning and reading body language, arfe the prerequisites of EMPATHY, the ability to (temporarily) let go of one’s own agenda and get into the speaker’s world. This is a crucial factor in enhancing all relationships, not just that of coach/athlete.

Figure 21 - Active Listening
1. Definition: Listening to others in order to understand their ideas, opinions and feelings, and to demonstrate actively that you have done so.

2. Components
a. Giving full attention
Good eye contact, confirming nods and sounds help to create a warm, accepting atmosphere.
b. Reflecting information/content
This is like holding up a mirror to reflect back ideas and reports that you hear. For the speaker, it shows that they are being heard and understood. For the listener, it breaks what is siad into manageable chunks for remembering.
c. Reflecting feeling
In additional to the thoughts and ideas the speaker is expressing you will sometimes be aware of "the music behind the words". These are emotions the speaker feels for the subject. Reflecting these back will check that your preceptions are accurate (e.g. "You sound angry about that") A tentative tone encorages the speaker to explore the feeling further, rather than defend themselves form an accusation.
d. Summarisings
When you have reflected back several times and you are beginning to grasp the ideas and thoughts of the speaker, a summery helps you both to review where you have got to.
Think of reflecting information as the paragraphs, and summeries as the chapters. A final summery as the speakers ends is always essential.
e. Interpreting
Sometimes, when you are sure that you are grasping the speakers is saying (e.g. "it sounds from what you are saying that you intend to...")
Beware of a negative reaction if the speaker feels you have distorted their meaning.

3. Words, Music and Dance
Words: "So what you're saying is...", "Let me check my understanding", "You sound angry about that..."
Music: Encoraging, Warm, matching the energy of the speaker.
Dance: Good eye contact. Matching Body posture (often happens spontaneously)

4. Other Information
Active listening is a "pull" activity. As such, it needs the listener to drop his or her own agenda and really get into the speakers world.

Your own sense of timing should guide how you make use of the five components.

See also fig 22 Barriers To Good Listening. No doubt we are all guilty of some of these transgressions at some time. This could be used as a check- list with trusted colleagues or close and well functioning groups. It could be an ideal opportunity to use humour to aid personal insight in an atmosphere of friendly acceptance.

Figure 22 - Barriers to Good Listening

On/off Listening - This unfortunate habit in listening arises from the fact that most of us think about four times as fast as the average person speakes. Thus, the listener has three-quaters of a minute of spare thinking time for each listening minute. Sometimes, we use this extra time to think of our own personal affairs, concerns and interests or troubles instead of listening.

Red Flag Listening - To some of us, particular words are like the proverbial "red rag to a bull". When we hear them we get emotional and stop listening. These terms very with inidividual but when we hear these "signals" we tune out the speaker.

Open Ears, Closed Mind Listening - Sometimes we look at a person intently and we almost seem to be listening although our minds may be on other things. We drop bakc into the comfort of our own thoughts. We get glassy eyed and acquire a dreamy expression. We can tell when someone is looking at us in this way and they can see the same in us.

Matter over Mind Listening - We do not like to have our pet ideas and prejudices overturned. We do not like to have our opinions challenged. So, when a speaker says something that clashes with what we think or believe, we may unconsciously stop listening or even become defesive and plan a counter-attack.

Being "Subject Centered" instead of "Speaker Cenetered" - Sometimes we concentrate on the problem rather than the person. Detail and fact about an incident become more important than what people are saying about themselves.

Fact Listening - Often when listening to someone we try to remember facts and repeat them over and over to drive them home. As we do this, frequently the speaker has gone on to new facts, which we lose.

Pencil Listening - Try to put down on paper everything that a speaker says usually means we bound to lose some meaning because writing is slower than speach. Eye contact becomes more difficult also.

Hubbub Listening - Sometimes there are many distractions when we are listening - noise, movement of people, and other matters clamouring for attention.

Note. Words, Music and Dance; words refers to the percentage of meaning conveyed purely by the words used in conversation, music by the tone, loudness, timing, pitch and emphasis etc., of speech and by dance, the body language and facial expression of the speaker. Research by Dr Albert Mehrabian (Silent Messages, 1971) has shown that 54% of meaning is conveyed by music, 39% by dance and only 7% by the actual words, emphasising the importance of CONGRUENCE (genuineness) in communication.

Figure 23 (Influencing Behaviours, Sheppard Moscow.) provides a detailed summary of the process of working towards I win – you win solutions, surely the very essence good coaching and of particular importance in the resolution of conflict.